Taylor Magnuson

What. A. Season.

All I can say is God is good. This has been such a season of seeing His faithfulness and favor work out right in front of us.

Cole and I started praying about foster care and looking into it around April of this year. We attended an open house through DCF, which is basically an informational meeting, in early May. We filled out a formal application and submitted it later that week and we had our first home interview in late May or early June.

I was so nervous over that meeting, having no idea what to expect. But it was so simple. The man who came to our house was so sweet and easy-going and told us he was going to recommend us for what they called a “Weekend for a Lifetime”. A new event DCF was trying out where instead of taking 14 weeks of classes, you get almost all of your training done in one weekend. We were pumped. 14 weeks sounded like such a long time and such a process and they weren’t even starting until November. So to be able to fast track that process would be such a blessing.

He told us someone would be in touch about the next steps in a couple of weeks and we were PRAYING for that weekend opportunity to come to fruition. But then weeks went by, and months went by, and we heard nothing. Finally, in mid-late July we found out that the weekend event was already full and we were on a waiting list with about 30 other people, we were bummed. We were still praying that God would somehow make it possible for us to attend that weekend but started to accept the fact that we probably wouldn’t and that maybe the longer training would be better and give us more time to prepare.

We hadn’t told a single person through any of this process. We wanted to make sure that we were pursuing this because it’s what God called us to and what we agreed together and didn’t want to be swayed or influenced by anyone else’s opinions, good or bad. We finally told our families in early August and started to tell our friends after that. All the while assuming that we wouldn’t even be starting training until November.

On Thursday, August 22nd I got an email saying we were number 2 on the waiting list for the weekend event that started THE NEXT DAY. They asked if we wanted to be notified if people didn’t show up on Friday evening so we could join Saturday morning. We said YES.

The next day, the 23rd, I went to the beach with a friend of mine because it was my birthday. I got a phone call around 2pm saying that a few people had dropped out and they asked us if we could be at the event at 6pm. It was a whirlwind. I drove home from the beach and Cole left work a bit early, we threw some clothes in a suitcase, ate Panera on the way and checked into a hotel in Glastonbury. We spent the next 48 hours in pretty much back to back trainings. It was INSANE. Tons of information in such a short amount of time, but seriously such a blessing to be able to get it all done so quickly.

After the event was an overload of paperwork. Everyone who knew ahead of time that they would be attending the weekend training had a list of paperwork and requirements they had to do before the event, and we had done none of them. So we were playing catch-up with all of that along with filling out all the post-event paperwork that was given to us. We had about 3 weeks to get all that stuff done which was crazy but definitely possible.

Once we turned all that stuff in, we waited about a month to hear from someone again to schedule our fingerprinting and our home interviews. Cole and I each had to do a personal home interview, we had to do a home inspection and a joint interview. We did our fingerprinting first and then about 3 weeks later had our interviews. Everything went super smoothly and the woman doing our interviews was so generous and stayed late one day so we could just get it all done at once.

This is where we are in the process now. From here, DCF has a lot of paperwork and approvals that need to get done in the background. They’re checking references, doing background checks, typing up all the information from our inspection and interviews, filing paperwork, etc.

Once all that is done, we’ll have one final meeting to look over everything and make sure all the information they have is correct and there’s nothing we want to change. It’ll then all get passed up to supervisors and wait for final approval. At the moment the goal is to have final approval done sometime between December 1st and Mid-December. Once that happens we’ll be in the system and just waiting until they have a child we would be a good match for.

This has been such a learning and growing experience for us both, yet I’m sure we’ve only dipped our toes in all that we will learn and experience through this process in the future. We are honored and excited that God has called us to this immense responsibility and although it seems so overwhelming and scary at times, we have full faith that God equips those He calls.

We’re so excited to finally share this with everyone. This is something Cole and I have always had on our hearts, something we talked about very early on in our relationship and something I’ve known I wanted to do from a very young age. This is not a plan B for us, Foster Care and Adoption is how we’ve decided to grow and build our family and we are so expectant to see all that God does in us and through this process.

We’re not naive to how hard this will be, or how unprepared we probably are. But we know that God’s strength is made perfect in weakness. These children need us and we’re willing to sacrifice all that it takes to love them well. Yes, we will get too attached, we will be devastated if/when they leave, but if we don’t love them with full abandon while they’re with us, who knows if anyone ever will.

We welcome questions and especially welcome prayers. We know it takes a village to raise a child and we hope you’ll be a part of ours.

it’s been a very interesting and fun and super crazy summer. cole and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary in june and reflecting on that past year and dreaming and goal setting for this next year was so fun. we’ve learned so much about each other, about ourselves (the amount i’ve come to learn about myself through marriage blows me away), and about the Lord. i love seeing the way both of our relationships with the Lord have grown separately and together in the past year.

but going back a little further in the year, April 26th to be exact. it was about 10:30pm and cole and i were just about to go to bed. i decided to go back into the kitchen and grab a glass of water. the Lord knew i was about to get a lot more water than i had planned for though!

when i came out of our bedroom i noticed there was a stream of water flowing into our dining room. it was one of those crazy april rainstorms and it had been raining pretty consistently that whole week and apparently it was more than the ground outside our front door could handle.

the gutter outside our front walkway was clogged, so all the water from the roof was just pouring over, collecting outside of our front door, and then pouring in under the door. luckily cole and i were able to attend to it pretty quickly. we used up every last towel, washcloth, blanket, and sweatshirt in our whole house to soak up what we could and create a dam containing the water into the living room. i called my mom and she and my sister drove over with a bunch of their towels and a shopvac. it was a very long night and about 17 loads of laundry the next day but eventually we were able to stop the water from coming in.

definitely an eventful way to mark our first year of home ownership!

although, because we own a condo, we had to contact the management company for them to work on the repairs because they’re in charge of repairs and situations like that. they sent out a contractor the next day to see what happened, and the following week sent a flood restoration company to set up drying equipment. a week later they came in and took our the bottom half of our walls in the dining room and a bit of the living room.

it’s been a lot of phone calls, emails, insurance talk, and 3 months later, and we still haven’t gotten our walls repaired.

it’s been a hard situation going between us, the management company, and their insurance company. nobody seems very eager to fix the damage.

in the past couple months i’ve also started writing a bible study. i’ve felt called to put one together for a long time now and recently got the idea and the inspiration for it so i am super excited to get that into all of your hands soon! although i keep having to push my goals/deadlines for it to the side because my laptop has been overheating randomly! a warning popping up telling me to turn it off immediately.

we’ve also been praying and seeking what God wants from us in this next season, this next year of marriage. what purpose he has for us in this place.

to top it all off. a week ago as cole and i were getting ready to go play some tennis after dinner, we heard a mysterious slam. our neighbor had been playing ball in the road with some of his friends, hit it to hard, and broke one of our windows. luckily our management company was a bit quicker to approve repairs on the window, and we should have a replacement piece of glass installed in less than 2 weeks.

it’s been a full summer, stressful in ways and exciting and stretching in ways. i think i’ve learned in such a tangible way that circumstances only have the power to determine your mood and attitude if you let them. circumstances really have no power over you and definitely have no power over God, the work He can do, and the way He can speak to you. i’ve learned that waiting is HARD, and not knowing can be even harder. but when i hand things over to Christ, He hands me His peace that surpasses all understanding. i’ve learned that when i’m frustrated, when i’m feeling confused, discouraged, and upset, continuing to meet God at the kitchen table every morning is the only thing that’s going to get me through. even when it feels like He may not be listening or isn’t paying attention, that time is the only thing that can sustain me in a world of chaos. and i’ve learned that His voice is so much clearer when we ask to hear it, when we tune our eyes and ears and mind to listen and seek His voice throughout every aspect of our day.

i can’t wait to share with you more when these things come to a close. when the bible study nears completion and when our walls finally get put back in!

“Your road led through the sea, your pathway through the mighty waters— a pathway no one knew was there!”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭77:19‬

my husband and i got into a conversation this evening about living up to our potential. we started talking about how sometimes as humans we adapt to the “if it’s not broke don’t fix it” mentality about ourselves. we get into a groove of doing things, going to work, coming home, making dinner, spending a few hours doing whatever we feel like, going to bed, repeat. we do our lives with however much Jesus we feel like having. figuring that as long as it’s working well enough, there’s nothing to improve. i think all of us can fall into this now and then. even when we’re being intentional about going to church, being in community, being in Gods word, etc.

imagine you created a robot. state of the art. this thing was able to build cars, to ice skate at olympic levels, to fly, to have full emotional relationships and connections. it was human but better, everything technology has been waiting for. you finish the final touches, the things come to life and you look at it say “you’re done! you are amazing! i can’t believe i’ve created this! what do you want to do on your first day of life?” and the thing looks at you and says, “i’m gonna go outside and pick up sticks.”
yard work, the thing decided to do yard work. you gave it so much potential and ability and it’s outside picking up sticks. i can only imagine that would be so disappointing and discouraging. and I can’t help but wonder if that’s sometimes how God feels about us.

He created us in His own image. with so much ability, so many gifts and talents, and so much potential. and we spend hours on end scrolling through our phones. watching netflix. complaining to our friends. being “too busy”.

i find something wrong with this. as a culture and a generation, we lack so much self-discipline and motivation. we know what we want, we know what we dream, but we fear were not good enough or don’t have the time to make it happen. so instead we just live through the people on youtube and social media who are actually living the life we want. It pains me that this is good enough for us.

in this conversation, my husband and I also talked about how opinionated i am and how often i try to fix people. something I’m really trying to work on. having opinions isn’t bad, i just need to work on practicing discernment as to when my opinions honor God and when they’re just from my own world view. and also use discernment on when it’s actually productive to share them.

this is something that’s really hard for me, especially the fixing people part. it’s not that i think i know all the answers, or think i know what’s best for people. i don’t think i’m better than anyone or that everyone should do things exactly like me. i struggle because i know how good it is to be in fellowship with Jesus. i have tasted and seen how good He is. my heart explodes when i think about how lucky i am to be able to be close to my creator, to converse with Him, to be known by Him and to learn about His heart and character. it is something so precious that i can’t imagine how anyone wouldn’t want it. i can’t fathom how we can sometimes just float through life with a little Jesus sprinkled in in the morning or on sundays. because it is so much more than that. so much better than that. but it takes work, it takes effort. He promises to come close to us when we come close to Him. we have to seek Him in order to find Him.

so here’s where this all connects. i really struggle when people are okay with keeping God at a distance. or when they want to be close to God but aren’t willing to put in the effort, to have the self-discipline it sometimes takes. being close to Him is so worth getting up an hour earlier. it’s worth setting time limits on your phone. it’s worth ending that relationship. it’s worth making yourself sit down and finish that book. it’s worth changing the music you listen to. it’s worth changing your work schedule. i’m not saying these things are easy, they can be so darn hard in our culture. but I’m saying if we ever want to stop just picking up sticks and actually live how God intended us to, how He calls us to, we’re going to have to get up, put down our phones, and do it. we need to stop admiring someone else’s life, someone else’s faith, someone else’s relationship with God, and realize that we’re called to have that too. we’re gonna have to take some risks and fight our natural desires. but it’ll be so worth it.

i’ve had a handful of people asking me when i’m going to write my next post, and my response every time was something like “i know my next post is going to be about this season i’m in, but i think i have to wait until i’m through it in order to write about it.” and no one challenged that. but today in the car i felt very strongly that i need to write about this season while i’m still right in the middle of it. because this is the real life stuff. because we need to walk through these seasons together.

about 3 months ago i texted my friend and said “i really think God is preparing me for something right now, but I have no clue what yet.” i honestly don’t even remember what i was feeling in that time or why i felt that way, but i remember very clearly feeling that. about a month after that i felt God really strongly leading me to quit my job. i had always wanted and intended to quit my job at some point, but i knew God was telling me to quit now and make myself available to him, even though i had nothing at all lined up next. it’s now been about a month and a half since i had my last day of work.

the first couple weeks of not working were nice, it was relaxing to not have anything i really needed to do, but i felt very lost, really unsure of what i was supposed to do next. during those few weeks i noticed my heart was honestly hard toward God, which wasn’t anything i had experienced before. it was such a subtle feeling i didn’t even notice it at first. i still did my morning bible study and went to all the church groups and continued my normal routine, but i noticed i was rushing through it all with a closed heart, not allowing God to show or tell me anything. it took me a while to notice i was actually bitter towards God, i was mad that he told me to quit and now i was just sitting here, feeling useless and doing nothing. i tried to cover it up, keeping myself busy and telling people it was good because i had so much time to do whatever i wanted, but i was bitter. i was confused that God had called me to free up my time, but hadn’t told me what to do next.

every opportunity i thought i might have, got pulled away so quickly. i was feeling defeated and confused and frustrated.

one night as i was just about to go to bed ii started having a very intense anxiety attack, i was just sitting there on the couch, could barely make out any words and could barely breath. my husband was so confused and just sat there praying over me. i’ve never been one to really struggle with anxiety so this was a whole new experience. it probably lasted about an hour before i could get myself to just go to bed. i knew this was all something spiritual but it was just growing the feeling i had of being defeated. the next day happened to be the women’s conference at my church, and the timing couldn’t have been better.

it was the beginning of the upside, the day I knew God saw me and was with me and had a plan. at this point i couldn’t deny the fact that God saw and cared for me, because every sermon that day was about exactly what i was going through. they were all telling me the same thing, i was in the valley and i had to learn how to live there, how to come to terms with the fact that this is where God put me. i had no clue how to do that. i’ve always been someone who puts too much on their plate, works crazy hours and always has a full planner. i didn’t know how to live with nothing on my agenda. the speakers were all telling me i had to learn to live in the season of waiting, how to live when you don’t know what’s next, how to be still in the Lord. to focus on living exactly where i am in this moment rather than just looking ahead to whats next. that’s when i realized this season i was in was ordained and created by God, that i was in it for a reason.

at the end of the conference during a worship set I ended up just sitting down and pouring my heart out to God. the first time i had honestly prayed since i had quit my job. i was mad and hurt and i told Him that. i was confused and just asking over and over “why, why am I here, what are you doing, what is happening?” and when i was finally finished praying, with tears streaming down my face, i heard God whisper ever so slightly to me “I am fighting battles for you that you know nothing about, I need you to just be still.”

like I said, being still wasn’t something I knew much about. but I can honestly say this has been one of the most fruitful seasons of my life. i now see that God wasn’t trying to clear up my schedule to use me, although he has been working through me still. but he was really clearing up my schedule so i could see him clearer. to get rid of all that was distracting me and everything i thought i “had” to do, so that i could fully focus on him. he has been revealing himself to me in new ways every single day, it’s incredible. i’m so thankful for the fact that we are never done learning about God, his power, and his heart for us. he’s also allowed me to find more of myself in this season, without being so distracted by my agenda i’ve been able to find and focus on the things that fill me more, the things he designed me to love. Iive been able to go so much deeper in my friendships and my church community. and it’s been such an incredible experience learning how to wake up every day and say “God, what do you want me to today?”. i hear and see him so much clearer now.

i know i can’t stay in this season forever (our bank account can’t suffer like that for too long). but i am learning to love the wilderness, i’m learning to seek God in the valley. because when our eyes are always focused on him, our situations here on earth seem so much smaller. and I will love the valley as long as i’m in it, and trust that wherever God puts me next i will be fully prepared for it because of this season. his plan and timing are so much bigger than we expect and so much better than we deserve.

i could write many more words about learning to be still and what that looks like, but i’ll save it for another time or another story.

the Lord has been working wonders in my life recently, i’ve been seeing him move around me so clearly and it’s such an honor. but my favorite part is what he shows me when i’m studying his word. there has been so much on my heart and mind regarding what God calls us to and what he wants for and from my life recently and as i’ve spent this year reading the bible cover to cover i have caught glimpses of what he’s trying to teach me in this season. but as i’m finishing up my reading in revelation he’s wrapping it up all so clearly to me. it all seems so simple yet so hard to really grasp.

i feel as though hes been truly revealing to me so much of his character that i’ve never been able to honestly grasp. slowly revealing to me how much he actually loves me and allowing me to hold on to it, showing me how much he adores and and calls me worthy, showing me how intentionally he made me exactly the way i am and has such perfect plans for my life. i’ve read revelation before, but reading revelation 1:13-18 this time caught my attention in a way different than before.

“and standing in the middle of the lampstands was someone like the Son of Man. he was wearing a long robe with a gold sash across his chest. his head and his hair were white like wool, as white as snow. and his eyes were like flames of fire. his feet were like polished bronze refined in a furnace, and his voice thundered like mighty ocean waves. he held seven stars in his right hand, and a sharp two-edged sword came from his mouth. and his face was like the sun in all it’s brilliance. when i saw him, i fell at his feet as if i were dead. but he laid his right hand on me and said, ‘don’t be afraid! I am the first and the last. i am the living one. i died, but look—i am alive forever and ever! and i hold the keys of death and the grave.'”

read it again. and again. it’s hard to stop reading it. to take my eyes off of the wonder that is the Lord we serve. the one who created us and loves us and holds us perfectly in his hand. his voice like the ocean and his eyes like fire. his face like the sun in all of it’s brilliance. and someone that mighty and incredible and terrific thought we were worthy enough to give up his life for, to take our place. i have a very hard time comprehending love like that, because it’s so far from what is normal in our world today. where love is self-centered and conditional. we have a hard time seeing God as who he really is, because our minds can’t comprehend any more than what we physically see. we make him small in our minds and under estimate him because we don’t know how to understand something bigger than us. in our heads, we are the biggest and most important. but Jesus wants us to understand something; we are not the biggest or most important, in fact we are the smallest and dirtiest and least important. but we are to stand confident and humble in the fact that someone as brilliant and powerful as Christ has found us worthy, not because of anything we did or could ever do, but because he made us and loves us and sees us as beautiful, and he has taken our place so that if we want, we can spend eternity in heaven worshiping and sitting alongside the one whose face shines like the sun. i don’t know about you, but that’s a deal i want to take.

but there is a condition that we also see in revelation, Jesus doesn’t want half of us or our leftovers or to live on the sidelines of our lives, he wants everything. read chapter 3:15-21

“i know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. i wish that you were one or the other! but since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, i will spit you out of my mouth! you say, ‘i am rich. i have everything i want. i don’t need a thing!’ and you don’t realize that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked. so i advise you to buy gold from me–gold that has been purified by fire. then you will be rich. also buy white garments from me so you will not be shamed by your nakedness, and ointment for your eyes so you will be able to see. i correct and discipline everyone i love. so be diligent and turn from your indifference. look! i stand at the door and knock. if you hear my voice and open the door, i will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends. those who are victorious will sit with me on my throne, just as i was victorious and sat with my father on his throne.”

here Jesus is literally telling us he would rather us be cold and against him, than be lukewarm and give half of ourselves to him. thats harsh being that most of american christians these days live lukewarm, putting Jesus into their sunday mornings and maybe some of their friendships, but not into their every day and all the time. giving him full control and glory in their lives. what would it look like if we all started living completely for him? giving up our lukewarm comfort and giving him our all?

but theres more to see about Christ’s character in this passage too, he is naturally welcoming and nurturing. he’s telling us were wretched and miserable and naked, but he’s offering us everything we could ever need. he’s offering us white robes, clear sight, and gold, so that we can be truly rich in him. he’s asking us to simply just answer his knock so he can clean us all up and put us back together and fulfill our hearts and souls.

the best part of this story are his promises for those who follow his requests. the ones who answer his knock and give him full control in their lives and follow his word and commands, the promises are simply incomparable to anything the world could ever give us. listen to this.

“i know all the things you do, and i have opened a door for you that no one can close. you have little strength, yet you obeyed my word and did not deny me. look, i will force those who belong to satan’s synagogue–those liars who say they are jews but are not–to come and bow down at your feet. they will acknowledge that you are the ones i love. because you have obeyed my command to persevere, i will protect you from the great time of testing that will come upon the whole world to test those who belong to this world. i am coming soon, hold on to what you have, so that no one will take away your crown. all who are victorious will become pillars in the temple of my God, and they will never have to leave it. and i will write on them the name of my God, and they will be citizens in the city of my God—the new jerusalem that comes down from heaven from my God. and i will also write on them my new name.” revelation 3:8-12

do you see these promises? he is opening a door for us to spend eternity with him in paradise. he is making satans people bow at our feet before us and admit that we are the ones Christ loves (the idea of people bowing at my feet seems very uncomfortable to me but the very fact that Christ thinks i am worthy to have people bow before me is incredible). he will protect us from testing and trial and everything that those of the world have to endure. he has given us a crown and doesn’t want anyone to take it away from us. he has called us victorious and is giving us a place in God’s temple. he is going to write the name of God on us so that the Lord knows we are worthy to enter his city. and he is going to give us a new name, making us a new creation in him.

remember the God we read about in the first passage, with fire eyes and hair as white as snow and a voice like the ocean? this is what he wants for us. victory and a life in paradise. this is what he offers us, if we will give him our all and answer his knock. it seems easier said than done for sure, but also beyond worth it. i know i am far from worthy of this kind of love and life with Christ, but i am going to do my best to take his gift and offer with delight because i know he gave up everything to love me like this and to wash me clean. i don’t want to waste it.

theres one more command we find in revelation, or i suppose we could call it command motivation. we’ve all heard the great commission, we are called to go to the ends of the earth and to make disciples. but if we’re honest, we hear that and think “sounds nice, someone else will take care of that.” but revelation cuts that excuse right down the middle, because this is what those who do not know the Lord and do not answer his knock will have to endure.

“then the fifth angel blew his trumpet, and i saw a star that had fallen to earth from the sky, and he was given the key to the shaft of the bottomless pit. when he opened it, smoke poured out as though from a huge furnace, and the sunlight and air turned dark from the smoke. then locusts came from the smoke and descended on the earth, and they were given power to sting like scorpions. they were told not to harm the grass or plants or trees, but only the people who did not have the seal of God on their foreheads. they were told not to kill them but to torture them for five months with pain like the pain of a scorpion sting. in those days people will seeks death but will not find it. they will long to die, but death will flee from them! the locusts looked like horses prepared for battle. they had hair like women’s hair and teeth like the teeth of a lion. they wore armor made of iorn, and their wings roared like an army of chariots rushing into battle. they had tails that stung like scorpions, and for five months they had the power to torment people. their king is the angel from the bottomless pit; his name in hebrew is abaddon, and in greek, apollyon–the destroyer. he first terror is past, but look, two more terrors are coming!” revelation 9:1-12

take a deep breath. we can be honest, that was hard to read, hard to keep our eyes fixed on, very different than the first passage we read. my first thoughts when i read this are how thankful i am; thankful that the Lord called me and that i answered and that he has saved me from having to endure this. this is what we all deserve, but its what he took when he sacrificed himself, taking our place. but the next thing i feel is guilty; i feel guilty when i think of all of the people who will still have to endure this. those who have decided to not follow in the path of the Lord will have to endure this and much more, as we saw that was only the first of the terrors. it makes me feel guilty that i don’t tell people more.

matthew 28:19-20 says “go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,  teaching them to observe all that i have commanded you. and behold, i am with you always, to the end of the age.”

this is our great mission in life, this is what he calls us too, and this is what hes been allowing me to understand more and more. the urgency of this command. the importance of it. i want the ones i love, and even the ones i don’t even know, to experience the God that we read about in the first passage. i want everyone on earth to be able to experience that wonder. and i want them to grasp his love and adoration for them and follow him with their lives so that they too will not have to endure these things that are promised to the earth. but if i want that to happen, i have to tell them about it. i have to show them how incredible of a God we serve, and how much that God loves them and sacrificed for them and wants them to live with him in eternity. another thing easier said than done. but this is bigger than our reputations, our fears of being laughed at or rejected, our fears of not knowing the perfect words to say, this is bigger than us.

think about how much our God has done for us, think about the fact that we no longer need to worry about condemnation or hell or suffering or all of those terrors this earth is going to have to endure. think of him hanging on that cross naked and ashamed and bruised and beaten and laughed at. he gave us one simple command that is supposed to be the mission of our lives, “go and make disciples”. think of how much he has done for us. how much are we willing to do for him?