still stillness

i’ve had a handful of people asking me when i’m going to write my next post, and my response every time was something like “i know my next post is going to be about this season i’m in, but i think i have to wait until i’m through it in order to write about it.” and no one challenged that. but today in the car i felt very strongly that i need to write about this season while i’m still right in the middle of it. because this is the real life stuff. because we need to walk through these seasons together.

about 3 months ago i texted my friend and said “i really think God is preparing me for something right now, but I have no clue what yet.” i honestly don’t even remember what i was feeling in that time or why i felt that way, but i remember very clearly feeling that. about a month after that i felt God really strongly leading me to quit my job. i had always wanted and intended to quit my job at some point, but i knew God was telling me to quit now and make myself available to him, even though i had nothing at all lined up next. it’s now been about a month and a half since i had my last day of work.

the first couple weeks of not working were nice, it was relaxing to not have anything i really needed to do, but i felt very lost, really unsure of what i was supposed to do next. during those few weeks i noticed my heart was honestly hard toward God, which wasn’t anything i had experienced before. it was such a subtle feeling i didn’t even notice it at first. i still did my morning bible study and went to all the church groups and continued my normal routine, but i noticed i was rushing through it all with a closed heart, not allowing God to show or tell me anything. it took me a while to notice i was actually bitter towards God, i was mad that he told me to quit and now i was just sitting here, feeling useless and doing nothing. i tried to cover it up, keeping myself busy and telling people it was good because i had so much time to do whatever i wanted, but i was bitter. i was confused that God had called me to free up my time, but hadn’t told me what to do next.

every opportunity i thought i might have, got pulled away so quickly. i was feeling defeated and confused and frustrated.

one night as i was just about to go to bed ii started having a very intense anxiety attack, i was just sitting there on the couch, could barely make out any words and could barely breath. my husband was so confused and just sat there praying over me. i’ve never been one to really struggle with anxiety so this was a whole new experience. it probably lasted about an hour before i could get myself to just go to bed. i knew this was all something spiritual but it was just growing the feeling i had of being defeated. the next day happened to be the women’s conference at my church, and the timing couldn’t have been better.

it was the beginning of the upside, the day I knew God saw me and was with me and had a plan. at this point i couldn’t deny the fact that God saw and cared for me, because every sermon that day was about exactly what i was going through. they were all telling me the same thing, i was in the valley and i had to learn how to live there, how to come to terms with the fact that this is where God put me. i had no clue how to do that. i’ve always been someone who puts too much on their plate, works crazy hours and always has a full planner. i didn’t know how to live with nothing on my agenda. the speakers were all telling me i had to learn to live in the season of waiting, how to live when you don’t know what’s next, how to be still in the Lord. to focus on living exactly where i am in this moment rather than just looking ahead to whats next. that’s when i realized this season i was in was ordained and created by God, that i was in it for a reason.

at the end of the conference during a worship set I ended up just sitting down and pouring my heart out to God. the first time i had honestly prayed since i had quit my job. i was mad and hurt and i told Him that. i was confused and just asking over and over “why, why am I here, what are you doing, what is happening?” and when i was finally finished praying, with tears streaming down my face, i heard God whisper ever so slightly to me “I am fighting battles for you that you know nothing about, I need you to just be still.”

like I said, being still wasn’t something I knew much about. but I can honestly say this has been one of the most fruitful seasons of my life. i now see that God wasn’t trying to clear up my schedule to use me, although he has been working through me still. but he was really clearing up my schedule so i could see him clearer. to get rid of all that was distracting me and everything i thought i “had” to do, so that i could fully focus on him. he has been revealing himself to me in new ways every single day, it’s incredible. i’m so thankful for the fact that we are never done learning about God, his power, and his heart for us. he’s also allowed me to find more of myself in this season, without being so distracted by my agenda i’ve been able to find and focus on the things that fill me more, the things he designed me to love. Iive been able to go so much deeper in my friendships and my church community. and it’s been such an incredible experience learning how to wake up every day and say “God, what do you want me to today?”. i hear and see him so much clearer now.

i know i can’t stay in this season forever (our bank account can’t suffer like that for too long). but i am learning to love the wilderness, i’m learning to seek God in the valley. because when our eyes are always focused on him, our situations here on earth seem so much smaller. and I will love the valley as long as i’m in it, and trust that wherever God puts me next i will be fully prepared for it because of this season. his plan and timing are so much bigger than we expect and so much better than we deserve.

i could write many more words about learning to be still and what that looks like, but i’ll save it for another time or another story.